I can be the Ultimate Perfectionist. The Ultimate Perfectionist has the most astringent standards. You’d see it in all my schoolwork. My job. When I have the time and energy, in my cooking. Hopefully, you see it in my website. You think what you see is what you get. I am a person brimming with self-proclaimed talent and lots to share.
The Ultimate Perfectionist won’t let something subpar make it to showtime, and if it isn’t perfect, it won’t get air. It’s possible for the Ultimate Perfectionist to be able to ignore the crickets and the quizzical faces of a no show, for weeks, months, years, because their mind is still fussing over an idealized abstraction. The perfect trip that was always meant to never happen. If it’s not perfect, no one would want it anyway, which actually means, if I’m not perfect, no one would want me anyway.
I met K and her brother, B, my first year after graduating college through family friends. K was 14 and getting ready to start high school. She was tight with her bro who was just a year younger. At 22, I could easily relate to both the classic and modern toiles of teenhood—anger, mood swings, social media causing jealousy and all media setting unrealistic standards and low-self esteem, the confusion and frustrations around sex, relationships, friendships, crushes and rejection, navigating consumerism to keep up with peers, partying, hookups, all while being very tired, depressed, and needing to get a lot of homework done. I felt an obligation to give her useful advice, advice that showed I understood, cared and wanted her to have a better experience than I did. It was the first year after I had launched an updated version of my website and I felt this scary and deep calling to be a resource to K and B if they ever wanted it. This was my moment. The spotlight is on me. And here is my advice.
“Hey, uh, you know in high school, it can be really hard to stay hydrated because there isn’t a lot of time to get water or go to the bathroom. If you can, try to bring a water bottle. Being dehydrated makes you a lot more tired and it can really help your mood to stay hydrated.”
Nailed it. Accomplishment unlocked. They had the only secret to success they would ever need: water. Parents, take note.
I knew it was kind of silly, and wasn’t saying much of anything, but they knew the care was there. It was a start. And, it sort of became a little inside joke with us. I knew that K was the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the entire world. She had to have known that. Everybody knew that. Only water was needed here.
I wanted to be an inspiration, a shining example that it’s okay if you’re depressed in high school because it gets better after that. It gets better after that, right?
If I’m speaking about personal experiences to help someone else, then I want it to be authentic. I didn’t have the perfect story arc to share. I was lonely, depressed, and not doing my chores. College had been a lot of fun, but was also full of depression, anxiety, relationship and friendship struggles, and not feeling good enough. Here comes early adulthood, and it freakin’ blows! This isn’t a whole different TV show than high school, it’s just season 12 and you can tell the actors are tired of their roles. I can’t lie to these kids and tell them that it gets better when that hadn’t been my experience. My experience wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t perfect. K and B were better off connecting with someone happier.
Because I was hung up on not being perfect, my brain wasn’t letting me imagine the possibility, “What if you are the someone happier?” It’s easier to tell yourself the beautiful girl with a traumatic past is okay now, she doesn’t need one more person to care. You would be imposing. You could offend. You could fail. If I’m not perfect, no one would want me anyway.
Then, I found out she went to the hospital for trying to take her life. On the one hand, I had feelings of guilt and shame. If I had been the perfect person these past few years, it could have made a difference. There was pain in that. An impossible burden. And on the other hand, I saw a deeper, more grounded truth. She didn’t need perfect. She didn’t need all the answers. But maybe she needed love and support from people close to the family. It’s okay that she’s needed that this whole time. I’m here now. I promise I’m here now.
And I have been. I’ve been there for her and her brother. I’ve given them gifts, thoughtful letters and texts, and dozens of hugs and “I love you’s.” I needed to have the confidence to be there for other people even when I’m not perfect or it’s unclear what effect I’ll have. They didn’t know they were giving me that gift. The gift of being good enough. The gift of love and acceptance from two beautiful people. What a wonderful world.
In a Quaker Meeting the other year, a Friend talked about the ambiguity of our effects on one another. They heard it illustrated once as a swan gliding across the water, creating detailed ripples that magnificently catch the sun’s rays. Maybe we don’t always have to make waves, but there’s so much beauty in the ripples.
All I needed to be was a swan, gliding across the water, singing that I love these kids with my whole heart. I needed to step into mentorship because we’ll never know the impact we can make if we don’t try.
Visit www.ichooseink.com/mentor to apply for the Fall 2023 “Own Your Voice” Expressive Communication and Collaboration Mentorship Program. Applications due June 30th!
